Sorry, Folks.

It's been a rough time for me. Well, aside for the Royals game -- Greinke was great, and afterwards he confessed that the particular umpire working that night gives him bad dreams -- because he delays strike calls. You could see Zack a number of times going, "Hey, wasn't that a strike?" and then the call finally coming. Seems kind of cruel to do that, like a girl hemming and hawing after her boyfriend proposes, when all along she knows what she's going to say.

Something like this happened to me over the past week. I don't want this blog to like suddenly turn into my public journal, but I just need to write some of this down, and I don't have the energy to do it in private. Do you guys know how that is? It's like you're just talking to yourself, sometimes, when you journal, and right now I've got this dialogue going even when I'm not journaling, so maybe this will quiet me down some.

So ... all of a sudden I started spending time with someone, someone new (I'm one long, up-and-down relationship into adulthood, followed by this seemingly endless period of mourning some call celibacy (I call it mourning)), and in her company, I felt new, I felt, like, exposed, but in a good way, the way you feel when you read a story with a character in it who reminds you of yourself -- not just the good things, but the insecurities and the crazy hopes and dreams, it's all right there on the surface and you know they can see you as you really are, not just as you want to be seen.

She came with me to the game and I explained the rules as well as I could (she's foreign). We spent hours in cafes and restaurants, talking about everything we could think of except what was or was not happening between us ... and of course I was going nuts, wanting every moment to lay myself on the line. And fuck, I did. Last night. I had no choice -- I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on anything else until I did.

You can guess what happened. I've misunderstood everything. I've seen my reflection when I should have been looking at her. And now I have to be big enough to keep her in my life, to make things safe for us again. That's the hardest part, acknowledging the gap in what I want and what she wants, and learning how to live with it. But what I just don't understand is how, if she saw me as clearly as I think she did, she could have let me hang myself this way.

In the words of Win Butler:

Somethin' filled up
My heart with nothin',
Someone told me not to cry.
But now that I'm older,
My heart's colder,
And I can see that it's a lie.

Children wake up,
Hold your mistake up,
Before they turn the summer into dust.
If the children don't grow up,
Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms turnin' every good thing to rust.
I guess we'll just have to adjust.

With my lightnin' bolts a glowin'
I can see where I am goin'
To be when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.
With my lightnin' bolts a glowin'
I can see where I am goin’
With my lightnin' bolts a glowin'
I can see where I am goin'

You'd better look out below!


http://youtube.com/watch?v=DEKC5pyOKFU&feature=related